Well it is about time I write this. I have had one hell of a last 5 years of my life and it seems as as soon as I start to see light at the end of the tunnel that the tunnel takes a deeper turn into the abyss.
I've lost my homes, my investements, my business, and still I kept going and trying to keep my sense of humor. I have gone from shopping at the mall to trying to decide whether to buy toilet paper or coffee and wondering how I am going to make ends meet from one day to the next. I live in constant fear and stress that I will be homeless at any minute. I try to keep smiling and moving forward and yet, I still have to daily tell myself that it could be worse! Well everytime I say that, it GETS worse, I keep saying, " This is the last thing I can handle" ... and then bang.. another shoe drops on me which feel like boulders now.
I have found my birth family after decades if searching, only to wish I had never looked in the first place.I am terrified of them.
Still, I keep going .. hoping that somehow a miricale is going to happen and I will wake up and this will have all been a bad dream. .. ( bit it isnt a dream, it is reality ).. 'I now feel I have lost ( instead of gained) my self identity. This is just part of the problem, I can not even talk about the rest of it.
This last week, after 5 years I really feel has hit me the hardest. Yes, I made some bad business and personal choices and yes dont we ALL do that at some point in our life? I have taken full responsilibility for every little mistake I have made, yet, things still keep coming.
I didnt have enough money to file bankrupcty, so I was saving up every little cent I had to be able to do that. Then Discover Card got a levy against me and wiped out my entire bank account.. took everything and left me in the minus.,. I could not pay my rent ( this is what my life is like on a day to day basis ).. yet I keep smiling. I went and pawned my father wedding ring and my mother watch to keep us in this house another month and I finally was " okay" with that... until I got a message from school saying I had been suspeneded from financial aid because I had ( with persmission from my advisor) switched 2 classes this semster and noone ever told me that would affect my financial aid.
So now I have spent the last week wondering if the appeal I sent in to the Univeristy will be approved, or if I am just done with school now. I wonder what I have ever done in this life or any other one to have all this happen to me and keep happeneing. I went and saw a therapist who after listening to my story, told me there wasnt much she could advise me to do other than " breathe"..She said no human being should have gone through all the things I have experienced ... I am too tired to cry anymore, it takes all my energy to make it through the day wondering what is going to hit me next.. so yea I am breathing and breathing and breathing and breathing and breathing.
I've lost my homes, my investements, my business, and still I kept going and trying to keep my sense of humor. I have gone from shopping at the mall to trying to decide whether to buy toilet paper or coffee and wondering how I am going to make ends meet from one day to the next. I live in constant fear and stress that I will be homeless at any minute. I try to keep smiling and moving forward and yet, I still have to daily tell myself that it could be worse! Well everytime I say that, it GETS worse, I keep saying, " This is the last thing I can handle" ... and then bang.. another shoe drops on me which feel like boulders now.
I have found my birth family after decades if searching, only to wish I had never looked in the first place.I am terrified of them.
Still, I keep going .. hoping that somehow a miricale is going to happen and I will wake up and this will have all been a bad dream. .. ( bit it isnt a dream, it is reality ).. 'I now feel I have lost ( instead of gained) my self identity. This is just part of the problem, I can not even talk about the rest of it.
This last week, after 5 years I really feel has hit me the hardest. Yes, I made some bad business and personal choices and yes dont we ALL do that at some point in our life? I have taken full responsilibility for every little mistake I have made, yet, things still keep coming.
I didnt have enough money to file bankrupcty, so I was saving up every little cent I had to be able to do that. Then Discover Card got a levy against me and wiped out my entire bank account.. took everything and left me in the minus.,. I could not pay my rent ( this is what my life is like on a day to day basis ).. yet I keep smiling. I went and pawned my father wedding ring and my mother watch to keep us in this house another month and I finally was " okay" with that... until I got a message from school saying I had been suspeneded from financial aid because I had ( with persmission from my advisor) switched 2 classes this semster and noone ever told me that would affect my financial aid.
So now I have spent the last week wondering if the appeal I sent in to the Univeristy will be approved, or if I am just done with school now. I wonder what I have ever done in this life or any other one to have all this happen to me and keep happeneing. I went and saw a therapist who after listening to my story, told me there wasnt much she could advise me to do other than " breathe"..She said no human being should have gone through all the things I have experienced ... I am too tired to cry anymore, it takes all my energy to make it through the day wondering what is going to hit me next.. so yea I am breathing and breathing and breathing and breathing and breathing.
